(This video is somewhat related to the topic. I also feel it's a nice video to watch.)
You know, ever since I made my first article, I found myself constantly trying to recreate the process. I tried paying attention to myself to see if I had a writing process, always trying to perfect what I did the first time. Honestly, that's why I haven't been writing. I always felt the need to be perfect, write perfectly, and say the perfect things. To be frank, it irritates me. Constantly wanting perfection all the time - weirdly enough - pulls me back. For the past few months, I've been trying to figure out exactly what CD THE NET ★ is. I knew I loved hip-hop, sure, but I had to dig deeper to figure out why I made the blog. I tried giving myself some time to figure it out, and I've been posting on TikTok for the past few weeks. Right now, I don't have a lot of posts, but when I did post, I talked about music, films, and "Rap Fatigue." Rap fatigue is anti-black and stupid, for the record...back to the point though. When I was making that slideshow for my TikTok, I had so much fun making it. Was I irritated because of what I was writing about? Yes, absolutely, but I still had fun.
Being able to gather people with information, hopefully persuade others, and just talk about my interests gave me a sense of happiness. The whole process gave me a sense of joy that I haven’t felt in a long time. I can’t really put everything into words right now, but I felt passionate. I think that’s when I realized what I wanted the blog to be. I want to use CD THE NET ★ to entertain and also educate people. I also want to use my platform to elevate black art and black voices, along with other people of color. Then, when my platform gets bigger? I want to interview all kinds of artists and host events to highlight them. I even want to start modeling for street fashion someday. Sometimes, I laugh at the thought, because I think my dreams are too big. I may have said this before, but it took me a long time to figure out what I wanted to do with my life. I’ve spent almost two years sitting in my room, questioning if my life was worth anything (I don’t mean to get so dark, I apologize). Honestly, I wasn’t doing anything; I just watched and looked at art. I kept listening to music and watching video essays and movies. Then, as time passed, I felt myself get inspired by those things.
Looking back at everything, I think I made the blog because I was bored. Seriously, I wanted something new to come out of my life. I had a YouTube channel that was doing well, and I had just graduated from school, but I wanted to do something more. I wanted to involve myself with more projects and just aim a bit bigger. To be honest, I think I’m hesitant to move forward with everything because of how new it is. I’m going against every single plan I originally had for myself. When I first graduated high school, I made plans to just work on my gaming channel, get myself a "nice job," and relax. Now that I no longer want to do those things, it makes me nervous. I already think I’m going to fail when I haven’t even started yet. The things that I truly want to do, I haven’t done them yet. For the first time in a long time, I have dreams. I have goals that I want to reach, and I think the idea of me pursuing my dreams scares me. As proud as I am of this blog and my other platforms, this whole project has caused me to do things I didn’t think I would do. I quit my old YouTube channel, I socialized, made a few friends from this blog, but the main thing was that I managed to find myself again. In a weird way, I think this project unlocked something in me? Maybe. I have a lot of fun with the things I do now, and even though I’m nervous, it doesn’t discourage me from this whole thing. I just need to work on writing.
I’m currently in a journalism class. I started it today, actually. I figured if I was going to interview people in my future magazine, then I needed to know what I was doing. So far, it’s been pretty chill. I know it’ll probably get harder as the class goes on, but I think I’ll be okay. In the future, I want to work on more things so I can make the blog better (graphic design, my writing skills, etc), and I want to become better overall. I just ask that you guys please give me patience. I’m realizing I’m doing all of this for the first time; I’m focusing on a blog, a new YouTube channel, a magazine, and a TikTok page all at once. It took me a while to give attention to all of those things, but I’m getting better at it. I guess the point of me writing this was to tell you guys that I am trying. I’m actively trying to make this blog the best it can be, and I want to bring more of my ideas to my platforms. I’m just nervous about a lot of things, but I’m getting better LMAO. I’ll make more content soon.
- CD ★
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